True Love's Valentine

   Every year here in America we set aside a special day just to celebrate love and we call it Valentine's day. I am very grateful to have a husband who loves me, who loves his children and who loves God. But this Valentine's day it was someone else who stole my heart.

   He's been my secret admirer for quite sometime. Even though he often goes unnoticed by me, his love for me has never changed. He's even seen me at my worst and yet he loves me still. I have never done anything that would validate his love for me nor have I proven myself to be worthy of his love. But still he loves me, more than even my own husband does.

   When I was a little girl he gave me a love letter so I would never forget how much he loves me, yet as Valentine's day came again, his love had become like a distant dream. As I sat in church listening to verses I had heard a hundred times, all of a sudden like a gentle breeze, his calm, sweet voice touched me in the deepest part of my soul. "I still love you," was all that he said, yet for some reason this time it came upon me like a long lost secret I was dying to remember. "He loves me?"

   His beautifully unconditional love has always there for me to receive, but instead I tried to find love and acceptance in the eyes of imperfect people. But why is his love so hard for me to accept? Why do I choose to search everywhere but in his arms? I couldn't help but tear up as I contemplated how much he loved me and why I had forgotten such an important truth.

   Perhaps somewhere long ago on the road of life I deemed myself 'unlovable' and therefore simply dismissed such an impossible concept as true love. I've certainly been difficult ever since I was born. As a baby I was very fussy and cried a lot. Fast forward to childhood and my wildly stubborn-spirit paired with my know-it-all attitude made for a killer combination. As a teenager I was emotionally up and down and I usually took it out on the people closest to me. Even as an adult I am often angry and harsh. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have never been "easy to love."

   But today, on Valentine's day, someone amazing was whispering to me, 'I love you,' and for the first time in a long time I heard it. "Jesus!" I cried in my heart, "You do love me, you really do! Even though you know how rotten awful I can be, you still love me!" I finally remembered how much Jesus really loved me. I don't understand why, and I don't think I ever will, but I believe it with all my heart that he truly loves me indeed.

   "Freely you have received, freely give."

Dear Jesus, THANK YOU for the unconditional love you pour out on me every day. Help me to open my heart and receive it and teach me to love others without reservations.

Hello Chaos, my old friend

   As Scot becomes more involved in his new position as Youth Pastor, I'm unexpectedly finding myself with lots more to do. Between my part-time job on the internet, helping Scot with the youth ministry, Logan's soccer games, setting up the church website, and trying to raise three kids, I've found myself saying hello again to my good old friend, Chaos.

   I'm starting to wonder how I am going to handle my to-do list without it handling me. As I'm writing this my house is in disarray, not having found the time or motivation to clean up today. I suppose I could be cleaning up right now instead of writing this, but I feel it's time for a journal entry :-)

   The most chaotic part of it all is how each and every day of the week has it's own things going on, and I never really know what to expect each week. A consistent schedule would probably make it easier to organize my duties, but that's just not how life in the ministry goes.

   Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love our new life in full-time ministry. I guess I just need to vent my frustration with this week. My mind has been here and there and everywhere, and I just can't get a hold of it lately. Good thing Scot and I are going to have a 'date-night' tomorrow. Grandma Connie is taking the kids for the day, so maybe I will be able to clear my head. I'm very much looking forward to it. Well, time to go get the kids dinner.

Until next time,
Karisia