They just don't really prepare us for anything, do they. And by they I think I mean the generation that came before us. Or I could mean a more general sense of the word "they," as in humanity or our modern society. It doesn't really matter, that's besides the point. The point is, we are just not prepared to navigate the challenges of adulthood.
Enter in a midlife crisis.
I had no idea what I was feeling at first. A little bit of excitement, followed by restlessness and anxiousness. Then throw in sadness, depression, fear, and the feeling that you've gotta make a big change or just run away and start all over, and you might be getting close to describing a midlife crisis.
But for me it is so much more than a midlife crisis. It's a mom-life crisis.
For the past 15 years I have dedicated my life to raising, nurturing, educating, and discipling my kids. A full-time stay-at-home mom doesn't even feel like an accurate description. We have moved to different states, different countries, lost family members, changed jobs, overcome challenges, served in different churches and had many deeply meaningful relationships along the way. It's been a wonderful, painful, and beautiful adventure.
I talk as if my life is coming to an end.
I wonder if a caterpillar thinks about his life thus far as he spins himself into what he may believe is a coffin. I wonder if he's afraid that this is the end when he glues his cocoon shut. Or maybe he knows instinctively that something amazing and brand new is starting.
I feel like my life as a caterpillar is coming to an end, but I just don't know how to be a butterfly. I've set myself aside for so long and I don't think I can learn how to fly at this age. My dreams, interests and individuality have gotten awfully dusty and rusty and I just don't know if they work anymore. Now that my kids are older and more independent I find I have all this time to ask myself "Who am I?" "What do I want to do?" "What kind of jobs or ministries would I enjoy and be gifted at?" These questions keep coming up unanswered and that terrifies me deeply.
I remember when I first really started contemplating those questions, I was about the age that my kids are now. They are actually starting to ask those questions also. And who are they asking? They're asking me! How am I supposed to help them figure out what God made them to be and do when I am still trying to figure that out for myself? Should I still be asking myself at 37 years old what I want to be when I grow up?
It's almost like teenage Karisia was put in cryogenic sleep and now 20 years later she is being woke up. She has no idea what is going on. Everything is different, everyone is different, and there are 5 people depending on her and she has to somehow find balance. All while still trying to navigate the complicated road of growing up and figuring out who she wants to be.
Deep breathe. We can do this Karisia.
Or maybe there's nothing that needs to be done. Maybe I am already who I am supposed to be. Maybe I'm just holding on
too tight and the control that I am working so hard to exert over
everything is the very thing that is ripping me apart. What if change and growth are
less like a triathlon and more like a river. Just relax and go with the flow. Enjoy the adventure, take things as they come, and stay focused on Him.
Listen up teenage Karisia, I've learned a lot of things over the last 20 years, so hear me out. Life doesn't depend on who you think you are or need to be. Things are
all quite a bit more simple than you imagine and God just
wants you to trust Him and go with His flow. And no, we don't know where
the river goes. And yes, that scares us so much. We can't see where it's
heading, we don't get to carve out it's path. We don't like that
at all because we have great ideas, wonderful plans, and we're pretty sure we've
got most of life figured out.
But God doesn't want me to slow the boat down or paddle harder to get
there faster. He just wants me to relax and enjoy the ride. Find joy in
the scenery and peace in the flow. He's got it. It's His river. Yes
it's wild, and yes the bugs bite sometimes, and of course you're going
to get wet when you go through the rapids. Yeah, some nights are darker
and longer than others and pain is real. But the sun always come back up, and the summer always warms you again, and life is so beautiful if you would just look up.
Karisia, you don't have to plan out your whole life. You didn't then and you don't now. I know it's hard to accept but plans change and hearts break and things get messy on this earth. Do you know the question you need to be asking yourself? It's, "Who does God want me to be TODAY."
And I know you're really going to have a hard time believing this, but you're already pretty amazing. God makes pretty amazing things. All that ugly self-doubt and striving to not be a waste is only keeping your wings wet. You are already more than you give yourself credit for and those wings, oh look at those wings God gave you. They are BEAUTIFUL.
So fly baby, fly. Let God carry you up to new heights. Far above the darkness and doubt. He has brand new butterfly adventures for you, and as scary as that sounds, trust Him, it's going to be good.
