Memorial to my father

On October 30th, 2017, Jesus called my dad up to Heaven. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to mourn his passing for very long. He knew where he was going and he looked forward to it but I can't help but miss my crazy, stubborn, loving daddy.

He would do anything for anyone who needed him. His humble servant way of life taught me what a Godly man looks like.

He didn't say “I love you” with words very often, but he always said it with his actions. Like sometimes working two jobs just to provide for his wife so she could be home to raise us 5 kids. Like making family traditions out of church and New York pizza. Like helping us buy houses, welcoming new babies, fixing our cars, and being there when we really needed him.

My dad was a bit of an oxymoron. Kind and harsh. Hard and soft. A mystery and an open book. Humble and proud. Generous and stingy. He certainly had many layers to him.

In spite of all the trauma he experienced early in his life, Efrain “Freddy” Rivera went on to become a great father and grandfather. Life will not be the same without him.

I will be eternally grateful for the solid foundation of truth that he helped me build my life on. In the end it was his commitment to Jesus, his marriage, and his family that defined him. He left behind a legacy of faith on this earth that will live on for generations to come.

I love you daddy. Can't wait to see you again.

I wanna go back

   Matthew 11:25-30 At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

   "Heavy laden" or "burdened" in the original Greek literally means to be "loaded up." Oh baby am I feeling loaded up right now. Loaded up with worries. Loaded up with responsibilities. Loaded up with emotions. Loaded up with doubts.

   In the beginning of this passage Jesus says that God has revealed some deep, spiritual truths to children, the simple and unlearned, rather than to the wise. At first it seems strange that in this very same passage He talks of burdens. Children have no burdens, they are simple and free. They except things they cannot understand and believe things just because you told them so.

   We are the ones with burdens. We are the ones with past regrets, present responsibilities, and future worries. We are the ones who labor, day after day. As a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, that labor never seems to end. Dishes are dirty hours after you've cleaned them. Lather, rinse, repeat. Meals are required again, and again, and again. Laundry is on a constant conveyor belt coming at you, don't slack or it will bury you alive. Teach, correct, instruct, discipline, listen, comfort, love...then go to bed and start all over again tomorrow.

   I have to take care of myself too. I have needs, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So does my husband. All these things put on one after another amount to a pretty "loaded up" mama, and I began to doubt. The enemy whispers subtle, little lies into my ears at my weakest moments. I began to doubt myself. To doubt my life choices. To doubt God.
Sigh. I wanna go back.

   In Jeremiah 2:2 God says "I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown." I wanna go back to when I was young and simple and full of hope. When I was so in love with Jesus that I would follow Him into a "land not sown." I wanna go back to a time when my heart was on fire for Him and just being in His arms was all that mattered. Like the song by David Dunn says:
"I wanna go back
To Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me
For the Bible tells me so
I wanna go back
To this little light
Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
I wanna go back"

   Everything felt so real, and true, and noble...but after following God into this wilderness, I've grown tired and weary and "loaded up." Cue Jesus' closing statement. "Come to me...I will give you rest...take my yoke...learn from me...I am gentle and lowly in heart..." The first thing to do when one is feeling overwhelmed by life? When one has lost sight of the simplicity of faith, the joy of hope, and the innocence of love? Come. Just come to Him. Such an easy thing, even a dog can do it. "Come here Fido!" And there he is, at your feet. Our dogs know they need us. They know it intrinsically. Why are we so stubborn?

   Somewhere along the way of life I started believing that I could go it alone. Solo lobo, lone wolf. I know I never said it out loud, but at some point, somewhere between the shattered dreams and the unmet expectations, I started believing that in certain areas of life I was on my own. That it was up to me to "fix it" or hold it together. Because I'm an adult.

   My children never feel that. They always know that when things get scary, or hard, or they get hurt, they're not alone. When up against something that feels overwhelming to them they know who to call, and it ain't the Ghost Busters. You moms know what I'm talking about. "MOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!"

   If I had a nickle...

   My kids come immediately to me when they need help. I could be in the shower, hiding in my room, or in China. THEY WILL FIND ME. Do I come to Jesus with such desperation when I am "heavy laden?" No way, I'm an "adult," too wise, too self-sufficient, too independent. At least that's how I keep living. But I need Jesus. I need so much of Jesus. I need every bit of Jesus I can get.

   "Come," "take" and "learn" are the things Jesus tells us to do when we are "loaded up." Three very passive and easy things to do. Things that children are good at. Things that I used to be good at. But in the midst of going, and giving and teaching, it seems that I've forgotten to come, and take and learn from Jesus. He is gentle, kind, and humble. He wants me to come to Him and be in love with Him. He wants me to take His peace, comfort, freedom, and joy. He wants me to learn how to live in grace, and be kind, and stay humble through it all.

   Jesus wants to help me unload my burdens, not by taking them upon Himself, but by reminding me what is real, and true, and noble again. He wants to help me go back to "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." Because faith is simple, and love is simple, and we're the messed up, stressed out, overloaded adults who make it so complicated.

   Oh Jesus, I am coming to you, I am running to you. I am "loaded up" with so many things that aren't necessary. I am taking your yoke of freedom. I want to learn to be more like you. I love you so much. Hold me in your arms every morning and every night. Give me your Spirit, fresh and new, so I can live in this land I have followed you to. Bring me back to the simplistic devotion of my youth and the "new bride" love I had for you.
I wanna go back.