Look up, child

     I've been drowning. Drowning for a long time now. I've been drowning so long that I almost forgot what it felt like to breath.

     Self-doubt, self-righteousness, self-reliance and self-focus. Those are the things that I've been drowning in. Yeah, there's a pattern. It's all about self.

     I thought I was a strong swimmer. I figured I could handle just about anything that life throws at me. Big waves? Not even scared. Sharks? They got nothing on me. Storms? Bring 'em on.

     What I forgot about when I jumped into the water was that my self-reliance was like adamantium bones. I thought it made me strong like Wolverine. Sometimes I felt strong like Wolverine. But in the ocean of life these heavy metal bones just doom me to Davy Jones's locker. A deep dark place where life is empty and breath is gone.

     I've always loved the wordless book. What a beautiful idea to put the entirety of the Gospel into 5 short pages of color for everyone to understand and share. It starts with darkness. Every good story does. My heart was lost and black with sin. Then red for what Jesus did on the cross. Then comes white because our sin is forgiven and wiped away. Green is us growing in Christ and yellow is our future in paradise. But I always got stuck on green. I think we all do.

     Green is where most of us spend a majority of our earthly lives. Grow, grow, grow in Christ. We try our best to grow well. We read our Bible, go to church, get involved in ministry, read inspirational books by insightful authors, pray fervently, go to Bible studies, wash, rinse, repeat. We exert enormous energy in developing the coveted fruits of the Spirit. We love everyone, or at least we have to say we do, and we teach our kids to mimic our good deeds.

     But if most of us are honest, all our striving and working barely grows anything in us at all. We still have short tempers, lustful hearts, discontent minds and joyless spirits. Most days we struggle so hard just to keep our head above water.
In John 15 Jesus explains a profound truth about growing:

^"Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing......As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love."

     Whoa, did you catch that? Jesus' command that explains the only way we can grow. One simple word. ABIDE. 

      I know, I know, you're already a great Christian like me so you've heard this one before. You're thinking, "I try to read my Bible and pray everyday so I can abide in Him." No, you're not listening. Frankly, neither was I. Until just recently, I didn't get it either. I knew I had to stay close to God, I knew I had to be a good mom, good wife, good everything. I knew I had to love everybody and I was trying my best until I completely fell apart and the darkness had a hard grasp around my throat.

     What I didn't realize all along is that I was living my life in fear. Fear of wasting my potential, fear of not being good enough for God, fear of not bearing enough fruit. I wanted so desperately to make Him proud and to be the best I could be, but I totally missed the profound truth about growing. And the profound truth about growing is this: It's something I am completely incapable of doing.

     Now hear me out. When you look at a grape vine and it's growing huge, beautiful clusters of grapes, you never think to yourself, "Good job branch. What a great branch." No, the thought would never cross your mind. What you think about is how perfectly the vine has been planted, propped up and pruned. How skillful and knowledgeable the vineyard master must be. How much care and attention He has put into helping and protecting this beautiful plant. Are you starting to see my point?

     I believe what Jesus means when he uses the word "abide" is trust, rest, hold to, accept. We, as humans, usually want the easy way through life. Just like water, our nature is to take the path of least resistance. Ironically enough, we find it easier to strive for, work out and control our own growth and obedience. The much harder thing is always surrender and trust. To truly, and fully trust is the hardest thing God calls us to do and the only thing God calls us to do. When we trust, rest, hold to, accept and ABIDE in His love, that's when we grow, that's when we love, that's when we obey His commands.

     This mystery of letting go and holding on is something that I am just now beginning to understand in all it's beauty and contradiction. We stop trying to do good so we can truly do good. We stop striving to grow so we can bear much fruit. In order to truly love we must focus on the unimaginable depth of how much we are loved. 

     Like Peter stepping out of the boat, the temptation is always to stop trusting and get back in our own heads. Whoa, wait, look at those waves! Oh no, I'm sinking!

     As I sunk deeper and deeper into my self-righteousness it turned into self-doubt and I begin to feel the darkness growing darker around me. Lost. Hopeless. Defeated. All my striving and working and good deeds hadn't gotten me any closer to joy, contentment or peace. I felt alone and confused. 
I tried my best to do everything you wanted God, why don't I feel peace?
I tried my best to be who you wanted me to be God, why don't I feel happy?
I tried my best to create a life that you would like God, why don't I feel content?

     Our life vest of good deeds and honest intentions can never keep us afloat. Eventually, we will sink under life's worries, pains, and trails. The beautiful ending to this story is that this is not the end of the story. God never gives up on us when we're His. He never stopped reaching for me or reminding me of His unfathomable love for me. Sometimes the hard things are the things we need to go through to remind us to look up.

     So here I am, looking up. Once again reminded of how much I need Him. Here I am dumbfounded at the magnitude of His acceptance and love for me. I hear Jesus saying, "You are already clean." 

     Will I ever get caught up again in taking the self-righteous path of least resistance? Probably. But right now I'm trusting, resting, and abiding in His unconditional love and acceptance.

     As I look up from the waves and grab Jesus' hand, I can feel His love rush through me and fill me with life. 
And I know I'm growing by the minute.  
I can already feel a new bud springing out.

 

Mom-life crisis, a letter to myself

They just don't really prepare us for anything, do they. And by they I think I mean the generation that came before us. Or I could mean a more general sense of the word "they," as in humanity or our modern society. It doesn't really matter, that's besides the point. The point is, we are just not prepared to navigate the challenges of adulthood.

Enter in a midlife crisis.

I had no idea what I was feeling at first. A little bit of excitement, followed by restlessness and anxiousness. Then throw in sadness, depression, fear, and the feeling that you've gotta make a big change or just run away and start all over, and you might be getting close to describing a midlife crisis.

But for me it is so much more than a midlife crisis. It's a mom-life crisis.

For the past 15 years I have dedicated my life to raising, nurturing, educating, and discipling my kids. A full-time stay-at-home mom doesn't even feel like an accurate description. We have moved to different states, different countries, lost family members, changed jobs, overcome challenges, served in different churches and had many deeply meaningful relationships along the way. It's been a wonderful, painful, and beautiful adventure.

I talk as if my life is coming to an end.

I wonder if a caterpillar thinks about his life thus far as he spins himself into what he may believe is a coffin. I wonder if he's afraid that this is the end when he glues his cocoon shut. Or maybe he knows instinctively that something amazing and brand new is starting.

I feel like my life as a caterpillar is coming to an end, but I just don't know how to be a butterfly. I've set myself aside for so long and I don't think I can learn how to fly at this age. My dreams, interests and individuality have gotten awfully dusty and rusty and I just don't know if they work anymore. Now that my kids are older and more independent I find I have all this time to ask myself "Who am I?" "What do I want to do?" "What kind of jobs or ministries would I enjoy and be gifted at?" These questions keep coming up unanswered and that terrifies me deeply.

I remember when I first really started contemplating those questions, I was about the age that my kids are now. They are actually starting to ask those questions also. And who are they asking? They're asking me! How am I supposed to help them figure out what God made them to be and do when I am still trying to figure that out for myself? Should I still be asking myself at 37 years old what I want to be when I grow up?

It's almost like teenage Karisia was put in cryogenic sleep and now 20 years later she is being woke up. She has no idea what is going on. Everything is different, everyone is different, and there are 5 people depending on her and she has to somehow find balance. All while still trying to navigate the complicated road of growing up and figuring out who she wants to be.

Deep breathe. We can do this Karisia.

Or maybe there's nothing that needs to be done. Maybe I am already who I am supposed to be. Maybe I'm just holding on too tight and the control that I am working so hard to exert over everything is the very thing that is ripping me apart. What if change and growth are less like a triathlon and more like a river. Just relax and go with the flow. Enjoy the adventure, take things as they come, and stay focused on Him.

Listen up teenage Karisia, I've learned a lot of things over the last 20 years, so hear me out. Life doesn't depend on who you think you are or need to be. Things are all quite a bit more simple than you imagine and God just wants you to trust Him and go with His flow. And no, we don't know where the river goes. And yes, that scares us so much. We can't see where it's heading, we don't get to carve out it's path. We don't like that at all because we have great ideas, wonderful plans, and we're pretty sure we've got most of life figured out.

But God doesn't want me to slow the boat down or paddle harder to get there faster. He just wants me to relax and enjoy the ride. Find joy in the scenery and peace in the flow. He's got it. It's His river. Yes it's wild, and yes the bugs bite sometimes, and of course you're going to get wet when you go through the rapids. Yeah, some nights are darker and longer than others and pain is real. But the sun always come back up, and the summer always warms you again, and life is so beautiful if you would just look up.

Karisia, you don't have to plan out your whole life. You didn't then and you don't now. I know it's hard to accept but plans change and hearts break and things get messy on this earth. Do you know the question you need to be asking yourself? It's, "Who does God want me to be TODAY."

And I know you're really going to have a hard time believing this, but you're already pretty amazing. God makes pretty amazing things. All that ugly self-doubt and striving to not be a waste is only keeping your wings wet. You are already more than you give yourself credit for and those wings, oh look at those wings God gave you. They are BEAUTIFUL.

So fly baby, fly. Let God carry you up to new heights. Far above the darkness and doubt. He has brand new butterfly adventures for you, and as scary as that sounds, trust Him, it's going to be good.