Look up, child

     I've been drowning. Drowning for a long time now. I've been drowning so long that I almost forgot what it felt like to breath.

     Self-doubt, self-righteousness, self-reliance and self-focus. Those are the things that I've been drowning in. Yeah, there's a pattern. It's all about self.

     I thought I was a strong swimmer. I figured I could handle just about anything that life throws at me. Big waves? Not even scared. Sharks? They got nothing on me. Storms? Bring 'em on.

     What I forgot about when I jumped into the water was that my self-reliance was like adamantium bones. I thought it made me strong like Wolverine. Sometimes I felt strong like Wolverine. But in the ocean of life these heavy metal bones just doom me to Davy Jones's locker. A deep dark place where life is empty and breath is gone.

     I've always loved the wordless book. What a beautiful idea to put the entirety of the Gospel into 5 short pages of color for everyone to understand and share. It starts with darkness. Every good story does. My heart was lost and black with sin. Then red for what Jesus did on the cross. Then comes white because our sin is forgiven and wiped away. Green is us growing in Christ and yellow is our future in paradise. But I always got stuck on green. I think we all do.

     Green is where most of us spend a majority of our earthly lives. Grow, grow, grow in Christ. We try our best to grow well. We read our Bible, go to church, get involved in ministry, read inspirational books by insightful authors, pray fervently, go to Bible studies, wash, rinse, repeat. We exert enormous energy in developing the coveted fruits of the Spirit. We love everyone, or at least we have to say we do, and we teach our kids to mimic our good deeds.

     But if most of us are honest, all our striving and working barely grows anything in us at all. We still have short tempers, lustful hearts, discontent minds and joyless spirits. Most days we struggle so hard just to keep our head above water.
In John 15 Jesus explains a profound truth about growing:

^"Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing......As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love."

     Whoa, did you catch that? Jesus' command that explains the only way we can grow. One simple word. ABIDE. 

      I know, I know, you're already a great Christian like me so you've heard this one before. You're thinking, "I try to read my Bible and pray everyday so I can abide in Him." No, you're not listening. Frankly, neither was I. Until just recently, I didn't get it either. I knew I had to stay close to God, I knew I had to be a good mom, good wife, good everything. I knew I had to love everybody and I was trying my best until I completely fell apart and the darkness had a hard grasp around my throat.

     What I didn't realize all along is that I was living my life in fear. Fear of wasting my potential, fear of not being good enough for God, fear of not bearing enough fruit. I wanted so desperately to make Him proud and to be the best I could be, but I totally missed the profound truth about growing. And the profound truth about growing is this: It's something I am completely incapable of doing.

     Now hear me out. When you look at a grape vine and it's growing huge, beautiful clusters of grapes, you never think to yourself, "Good job branch. What a great branch." No, the thought would never cross your mind. What you think about is how perfectly the vine has been planted, propped up and pruned. How skillful and knowledgeable the vineyard master must be. How much care and attention He has put into helping and protecting this beautiful plant. Are you starting to see my point?

     I believe what Jesus means when he uses the word "abide" is trust, rest, hold to, accept. We, as humans, usually want the easy way through life. Just like water, our nature is to take the path of least resistance. Ironically enough, we find it easier to strive for, work out and control our own growth and obedience. The much harder thing is always surrender and trust. To truly, and fully trust is the hardest thing God calls us to do and the only thing God calls us to do. When we trust, rest, hold to, accept and ABIDE in His love, that's when we grow, that's when we love, that's when we obey His commands.

     This mystery of letting go and holding on is something that I am just now beginning to understand in all it's beauty and contradiction. We stop trying to do good so we can truly do good. We stop striving to grow so we can bear much fruit. In order to truly love we must focus on the unimaginable depth of how much we are loved. 

     Like Peter stepping out of the boat, the temptation is always to stop trusting and get back in our own heads. Whoa, wait, look at those waves! Oh no, I'm sinking!

     As I sunk deeper and deeper into my self-righteousness it turned into self-doubt and I begin to feel the darkness growing darker around me. Lost. Hopeless. Defeated. All my striving and working and good deeds hadn't gotten me any closer to joy, contentment or peace. I felt alone and confused. 
I tried my best to do everything you wanted God, why don't I feel peace?
I tried my best to be who you wanted me to be God, why don't I feel happy?
I tried my best to create a life that you would like God, why don't I feel content?

     Our life vest of good deeds and honest intentions can never keep us afloat. Eventually, we will sink under life's worries, pains, and trails. The beautiful ending to this story is that this is not the end of the story. God never gives up on us when we're His. He never stopped reaching for me or reminding me of His unfathomable love for me. Sometimes the hard things are the things we need to go through to remind us to look up.

     So here I am, looking up. Once again reminded of how much I need Him. Here I am dumbfounded at the magnitude of His acceptance and love for me. I hear Jesus saying, "You are already clean." 

     Will I ever get caught up again in taking the self-righteous path of least resistance? Probably. But right now I'm trusting, resting, and abiding in His unconditional love and acceptance.

     As I look up from the waves and grab Jesus' hand, I can feel His love rush through me and fill me with life. 
And I know I'm growing by the minute.  
I can already feel a new bud springing out.