I've heard that it would be hard. I knew that it would be hard. Still, it has been so much harder then I could have anticipated.
For the last couple of weeks I have been reliving that desperately tragic afternoon when my father left us. I remember going to the hospital and believing that everything was going to be o.k. I remember sitting in a room and hearing the surreal sound of the doctor explaining that they did everything they could. I remember weeping with my mother whose whole world had just come crashing down on her. I remember sobbing with children on my living room floor after I shared the news that they would spend the rest of their earthly lives without their beloved grandfather.
It feels like a piece of who I am is missing and sometimes it hurts to remember.
Sometimes it hurts deep to remember.
But it's so much worse to forget.
The real tragedy would be to forget how much my father means to me. To forget everything he taught me about what truly matters in life. The deepest loss would be to go on living as if he wasn't still a part of who I am and who I want to be.
I felt a special connection to my dad's heart last night as I was listening to one of my new favorite songs in my car, "Only Jesus." I don't think he ever got a chance to hear it but I know he would have loved it. The second verse of the song goes like this:
"All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won
Will crumble into dust when it’s said and done
‘Cause all that really matters
Did I live the truth to the ones I love
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever"
Yes daddy. You did. It was.
In both small and practical ways, and real and meaningful ways, you taught me truth and showed me Jesus through your life. Everyday I want to make you proud. Everyday I'm trying to follow in the footsteps that you and mom left for me. I will never let go of the faith and love for our Savior that you both passed on to me. A sacred baton that I will someday entrust to my children as well.
I love you and miss you so much papa.
Until we meet again, I will always remember.
Always.
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